Just My Random Perverted Thoughts

Three men die and go to Heaven. (I would like to point out I don’t believe in the existence of Heaven, so strictly secular joke here.)

At the gates of Heaven St Peter invites them in.

“We don’t have many rules in Heaven but the main one is don’t step on any of the ducks, bad things happen if you do.” says St Peter.

The men enter heaven and much to their surprise discover that there are ducks all over the place. Every species one can think of and a few unique to Heaven. Quack quack quack, ducks everywhere.

After a few minutes one of the men steps on a duck. A split second later an angel appears with some chains. He takes the man and chains him for all eternity to the ugliest woman he had ever seem.

“The punishment for stepping on a duck is to be manacled for eternity to the ugliest woman in Heaven!” says the angel.

The other two men realise that they have to up their game and really watch out for the ducks. Unfortunately a few days later the second man stumbles over a duck and he too gets chained to a really ugly woman.

Months go past the the third man has the duck problem sorted. He has found an area of Heaven where the ducks don’t go, so he is really enjoying his time and had almost forgotten about the duck rule.

Suddenly an angel appears with some chains and a really pretty girl. She is young and attractive with big boobs, a nice butt and a cute smile. The angel chains the two of them together and leaves.

“Well what’s this all about?” asks the man. He can hardly believe his luck as he eyes up his new companion.
“I don’t know about you but I stood on a duck.” The girl replies!

For the benefit of North American readers: When Leah is asked “Where is that noise coming from?” she replies “My fanny!” Leah speaks British English so FANNY is a slang term for VAGINA. OK so now the English language lesson is over go watch the clip.

Video clip of Leah and her party trick.

I also have a question for Leah. How did you learn to do that?

I think Santa could do with a break. So I have been really naughty all year just so he does not have to make the trip to my place this Christmas.

Happy Holidays Santa, enjoy the time off.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a
girl.

We should’ve known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Naked Life:

All of these stories have an element of truth in them.

Cycling naked around London. The World Naked Bike Ride is held every year and hundreds of people get naked in major cities all over the world: http://www.worldnakedbikeride.org/

There was a ’silly season’ story about a man trying to claim he was entitled to go to work naked as his employer forcing him to wear clothes contravened his human rights.

Cheggers did indeed do a naked TV show called Naked Jungle. It was every bit as bad as you imaged it would be. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naked_Jungle

Lots of folk have done naked parachute jumps. Personally I think you need protective clothing because the ground can be nasty and abrasive if you get dragged along by your ‘chute once you have landed. OUCH!

Spencer Tunic did have an installation in a department store in London. Selfridges. http://thespencertunickexperience.org/oldindex.htm#Selfridges_2003

OK, they are all true to certain extent, but the answer is number one, the London bike ride. I took part in the London ride of the World Naked Bike Ride in 2005 and 2006. Well done prefectDT!

Eliot: you are wrong so what you get is 6 extra smacks when I see you for being cheeky.

Dave: You have to have a helmet to cycle naked.

Dee: Sorry but you were wrong.

Thanks to everyone for participating.

On this meme you will read five “facts” about me. The thing being that four of them are not facts at all but totally untrue lies. What you have to do is identify the genuine fact from the five statements.

Naked Life.

I Cycled naked around London on a busy Saturday afternoon, Regent Street and Oxford Street. It caused a few heads to turn!

I claimed nudism was a form of religion and I was allowed to be naked on ‘dress down’ Fridays at my place of work.

I appeared on a TV show with Keith Chegwin where all the participants were naked. Not the best TV that has ever been broadcast but they did not pixellate the willys.

I did a naked parachute jump for charity to raise money for Skin Cancer awareness.

I participated in a Spencer Tunic installation where we all got naked in big department store in London.

There you go, five reasonably believable ‘facts’. One is true, can you spot it? Leave your answer in the comments. I will publish the answer 23 November. Until then I am away on a trip doing research for a project so I may not have interweb access. Have fun while I am away.

Follow THIS LINK to the vanilla meme on my Alternative Blog.

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?

The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’